Dark Abyss of Life

Life has not been great.

I am losing myself every day. Little by little, everything is starting to crumble. I feel like a broken piece, with no idea to the reason why I feel broken in the first place. This is not just a normal love story where I got dumped or cheated etc. Not even a case of family abuse, PTSD, trauma, no, there is no plausible reason to why I feel this way, but I just do.

This might be my rock bottom. I use to have passion in learning. Especially Science subjects. I used to aced them. Well, that is a lie. I have never been good with it. Yet I cannot imagine living as something else, learning something else other than this subjects.

Where do I go to refer about these issues I have? No matter who it is, I can never be honest. My life is full of sick twist and turns, with each string entangles deep with each other. What I have now is just a nasty mess of dark strings, never be able to straighten properly. As doing so will mean chaos being unleashed to the world.

How did I get to this point? How did I fell this deep into this bottomless pit? How do I get out? Where is the exit?

I don't want to fail. I failed too much already. I already past beyond disappointment that I became an annoyance now. No, my family still have enormous faith in me. But I do not. And my new teachers certainly don't.

I am at a point where I am willing to go as far as doing something I absolutely despised in this whole world. Cheating. Manipulating. Giving excuses. Being pathetic.

I am sure I have run out of excuses by this point as my teacher has used threats and personally calling me as their last resort. But what can I do? I don't understand a thing. I don't know what to do. So I avoid by sleeping. Falling into the infinite world of dream. My only place of escape. The only place I can be whoever I want to be, whenever I want to be, without all those pressure and expectation revolving around me. Yet that too is just a short bliss. I still have to face the harsh truth of reality as I open my eyes. 

This is too cruel. I cannot end my life as I have been educated well enough to know that it is wrong. But I cannot live my life without feeling so pathetic and miserable. I am like an empty shell of who I was. This is not how I want to live.

Where did it go wrong? How did it get so bad? What am I supposed to do now? 

Fuck.